I woke up this morning feeling like punching somebody. Just anybody.

Suddenly this gingko-shortage brain of mine was thinking on how my raya will turn out this year. I'm sure the paternal side will be asking A LOT of questions. I'm closer to my maternal side and almost all of them already knows of my situation. They've been very supportive, especially my cousins.

Datuk, being the introvert one, didn't talk to me much but somehow I knew he was disappointed. Nenek, she felt sorry for me and at the same time angry that this is happening to her own grandchild. I may not be close to my grandparents but when such things happen, the whole big family feels the pinch.

Mak have been frequently asking me if i'm coping well with all these. I can never look at her straight in the eye and says that i'll be fine when I know that deep down, it's not okay. I'll always shrugs off her questions by saying that I've got over things. "Lying" to your own mother is not an easy thing to do.

So when I finally realised that I was pondering on too much things instead of dragging myself into the bathroom, I heave a heavy sigh and starts to think if I should take medical leave today. HAHA. Pemalas! G(ingko)Brain probably had too much things to think about this morning cause I only slept at 3.30am, then woke up at 4.30am for sahur, slept again at about 6.00am and then wakes up again at 7.30am! One word to describe me this morning, CRANKY! Or probably I was already cranky and damn annoyed before I went to bed last night and so..... ahhh nvm.

But wait. It did not ends there.

GBrain just feels like crying in the showers, and so it did. No apparent reason, just letting it all out. Does crying helps to release my heartache you may ask? No, it did not. Cause when I was driving to work this morning, Hafiz's - "Deritaku" song was playing on the radio and as I was singing along to it.............. (jiwang lah tu!) let's just not go there.


Pre PMS blues have turn me into such an EMOTIONAL WRECK!


Tinggalkanku, perlahan-lahan ku trima
Semakin ku sakit, semakin kau bahgia
Mengapakah aku jadi lemah
Sungguh ku tak sangka dia membawa jantungku bersamamu

So things didn't turn out well.

2013 have been a roller-coaster ride. There's just so much things that I would like to rant, but I just don't know where to start. The hurt and pain is never ending but I am still showing a strong front to show to the people around me that I am going to be okay.

Was browsing through my previous blogs and its entries. I should really stop doing so cause the heartache that came along with it is just.... unbearable. Eight years, too much memories. I even still have that entry dated 19 October 2004, the day that we sort of decided to be a couple.

Gosh, this is hard.

I still can't believe that we are going through this separation the hard way. This is not a boygirl relationship that a couple can easily let go, ini adalah sesuatu perbuatan halal yang dimurkai Allah swt.

Kau mengaku kau bersalah tetapi kau tidak ada rasa kesal.

Kau sepatutnya baik kan keadaan semasa aku masih bersabar, diamkan diri dan telan semua perbuatan yang kau dah buat di belakang aku, tetapi kau larikan diri dan tidak menghadapi kenyataan.

Kau seharusnya melindungi aku sebagai isterimu tetapi kau menghina dan memfitnahkan aku untuk menutup aib kau sendiri.

A person who lies will create another lie to cover the first lie. Suatu hari nanti kebohongan itu akan makan diri sendiri.

And to that woman, you were there to witness our solemnization & wedding reception. Dari cara kau berpura-pura, menunjukkan yang kau sebenarnya tak tahu apa kemahuan kau dalam kehidupan ini. Seseorang yang merosakkan rumahtangga yang telah dibina tidak akan pernah hidup senang. Dan jika suatu hari nanti, walau sekuat mana pun kau memohon maaf dari aku, aku tak akan dengan senangnya memaafkan kau.


Allah swt itu maha adil.

Loves me myself and I, my family, my friends and the beautiful things around it.

it's MAKAN TIME!